Remembering Dadu

This blog was written on the 11th of December, 2018, one year after my grandfather passed away. I’m posting it here as a reminder to me, in this new year, to be transparent, open and honest, all qualities Dadu lived by.

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Dadu – My North Star

My grandfather passed away on the 11thof December last year. He went to the hospital for a simple lung infection which turned out to not be so simple. It directly led to various other complications, and after a long and tough fight with critical illnesses, Dadu finally succumbed to God’s will. He was an incredible man, and I will miss him for the rest of my life.

It is often said that similar natures and qualities often skip a generation in families, and I feel that is quite true in my case. I believe there are many qualities Dadu embodied that have, admittedly in a highly diluted form, taken root in me. Whether that was due to nature or nurture is an eventually meaningless distinction, because while nature took its course through genetics, my formative years were significantly nurtured by Dadu as well.

His most admirable trait, in my view, was his steadfastness in pursuing the right course of action, however difficult it might be, and however lucrative its less virtuous alternative was. He always taught me that having a clear conscience at the end of the day was all we should aim for, and that if we do the right thing, then God will take care of the rest. His infinite faith in God, especially Lord Hanuman, was a constant source of comfort to him. He was always willing to help someone in trouble by giving to the utmost of his ability but wouldn’t lift a finger if he believed what he was being asked to do was wrong. He built his life on a bedrock of certain core values and did not deviate from them as far as my knowledge goes. Even when our family was going through financial troubles and Dadu was a struggling entrepreneur, he never compromised on his principles, though it would have been an easy way out of his troubles. I wonder whether I would be able to be so strong as to avoid the lure of the easy solution. I would like to be, and my desire to do so stems directly from what I saw Dadu do, time and time again.

He was an extremely humble man, a rarity nowadays. There were plenty of reasons for him to get an inflated sense of his own ego, but he refused to take himself and all the successes and achievements life showered upon him too seriously. All his failures were his alone, whereas all the credit of his achievements were shared by the people he worked with and God. His favorite line was ‘Yeh to bhagwan ki kripa aur sabki mehnat ka phal hai.’ His selflessness was extraordinary, his compassion towards other people limitless. Papa and I have no idea how much money is owed to the family from people who had borrowed from Dadu, because in many an instance, Dadu did not give it as a loan but rather as a gift to be used by the person in need to better his situation. His only hope was that the borrower would utilize it for his business or family matters to come out of a sticky situation. It is a testament to the respect people accord to him that after his passing, many people have come forward voluntarily and told us how much money they owe to Dadu, even though they know that if they kept to themselves, we would most probably have no idea about that transaction.

In A Study in Scarlet, Sherlock Holmes remarks that ‘They say Genius is the infinite capacity to take pains. It’s a bad definition, but it applies to detective work.’ If we accept this definition, because I do think it applies to being a patriarch, then Dadu was a genius in how to lead a family. He was always ready with advice, doled out with gentleness and humility. He was always overcautious, but never overbearing. I still remember him constantly advising me to take care of my health during the New York winters. It didn’t matter to him however many times I reassured him that I was taking all possible precautions, for him it was a part of his daily routine. Call Piyush, ask about college, tell him to take care of his health, wear a muffler, and drink warm water. His ability to care for someone was unparalleled in our family. For him, it was always the comfort of his family first, and he always kept himself last in priority, though I’d argue he didn’t count himself in his list of people to take care of. One of the senior people in our organization shared a story after Dadu’s passing about which I had no idea. He said that in all his years working with Dadu, the most stressed he saw Dadu was when I had a small operation done on my spine. He remembered Dadu’s words as “Kya ho gaya usko, itni kam umra mein itni takleef ho rahi hai, bhagwan sab theek kar de.” My reaction to this was perhaps a little unexpected. Instead of feeling loved and cared for, instead I got really angry, almost pissed off, that I had caused him unnecessary anguish. I somehow think that if he was in my position, he too would have felt similarly, which is why I feel my soul has been touched by Dadu.

I remember Papa and Papaji (my father in law) had gone to see him in the ICU during his last days. He was more concerned about why they were spending so much time in the hospital and instructed them to go home and rest because he was perfectly fine. I remember going to him and him asking about Saanvii. I said she was fine and was about to leave when he beckoned me closer. When I reached his side, he asked me to bend down, and then ruffled my hair affectionately. I looked up at him and he indicated that this was for Saanvii. I reached home pretty late at night and Saanvii had already slept, but I remember ruffling her hair again and again, willing Dadu’s ashirwad on to her. Sometimes it isn’t logic but emotion that wins. The last handwritten note he sent to us from the ICU simply said “I am fine. I am grateful to the doctors and nurses who are taking such good care of me. You all go home and rest.” Till the end, he expressed gratitude towards other people, and cared and worried about his family. To have such strength, such an endless supply of empathy and love… Its getting more and more difficult to find people like that nowadays. I’m afraid that this quality left earth with him.

I do not know how much happiness or pleasure I could give to him during his lifetime, but I am satisfied that at least I could give him a few years with his great grandchild. Saanvii was the apple of his eye. He doted on her in a way that no one else could. I feel sad that someone who could have imparted so much knowledge, values, kindness and empathy to Saanvii is no more. I also worry about Saanvii’s upbringing, and whether we will be able to give to her even a fraction of what Dadu gave to me and Pallavi. If only Saanvii had a few more years with Dadu.

If only all of us had a few more years with Dadu.

The world lost one of its luminaries, someone who abhorred the spotlight but couldn’t escape it because the light of his good deeds was not a flame but a conflagration. You can try to hide the smoke of a lamp, but a forest fire will not be contained. It is amazing to me how often he used to help people and organizations while keeping his name away from the public eye. He believed in doing the right thing for the right reasons, and that help rendered was a reward in itself. Many organizations have lost their largest private benefactor.

The vast majority of good things in me came from Dadu. The bad qualities I’ve picked up on my own. There will never be another like him. Dadu’s genius was in recognizing that it is far more important to be good than to be great. Many great men pass away into the afterlife every day, but good men come along only once in a while, so even Mother Earth must have shed a tear the day Dadu died. One of the best of humankind was no more. We lost a decent man who never wronged anyone, and achieved success in life without compromising with his conscience. His was the warship which my shabby dinghy followed. Now that the warship is no more, I am left alone, unmoored, with no one to follow and no where to go. The despair waits in the shadows to strike as soon as weakness rears its head, but Dadu didn’t teach us to be weak. He taught us to dust ourselves off and get up whenever we fell. He taught us to keep moving forward, relentlessly, undaunted by whatever life throws in our way. He taught us a lot, never by teaching, but by his actions, the way he lived his life, the way he treated people. My goal in life is to keep proving that honesty really IS the best policy, doing the right thing pays off, and that you don’t need to “lie/cheat/steal“ to get ahead in life. As I said before, if being good was more important to him than being great, that’s good enough justification for me to do the same.

You may have noticed that I’ve tried to not get too personal in writing my thoughts. There is, of course, a reason. His life was one which filled everyone around him with joy, and thus should be celebrated, not mourned. Since Dadu breathed his last, I haven’t shed a tear. I don’t intend to start now by getting too personal. My grief is mine, and mine alone.

Since I have probably failed in adequately expressing what Dadu meant to me and what a gentle, progressive, flawless diamond he truly was, I’ll let someone far more accomplished than me give it a shot.

ऊँच-नीच का भेद न माने, वही श्रेष्ठ ज्ञानी है,
दया-धर्म जिसमें हो, सबसे वही पूज्य प्राणी है।
क्षत्रिय वही, भरी हो जिसमें निर्भयता की आग,
सबसे श्रेष्ठ वही ब्राह्मण है, हो जिसमें तप-त्याग।

तेजस्वी सम्मान खोजते नहीं गोत्र बतला के,
पाते हैं जग में प्रशस्ति अपना करतब दिखला के।
हीन मूल की ओर देख जग गलत कहे या ठीक,
वीर खींच कर ही रहते हैं इतिहासों में लीक।

रश्मिरथी – रामधारी सिंह दिनकर

9 thoughts on “Remembering Dadu”

  1. It’s the most difficult to express grief but you did it so subtly. It’s truly a very beautiful memoire.

  2. Very truly expressed and it clearly shows even as he is not amongst us, but a perfect mirror of his teachings , principles , thoughts lies deep in your soul…

  3. In little time that i had spent with him or seen him….i knew he is a man of actions…..a man who always had a vision about his life and always took onus as a leader. He has come back to you, i think he missed you more than you did.

    If writing is a medium of expression, a way to express what one feels….you are fantastic at it. Heart and mind well connected. Please keep on writing.

  4. Every act n doing by him were exceptional n teaching. His calm personal touch and adorable words were exceptional. When ever I have met him, mostly at home or some social functions, before I could reach him n give him a respectful pranam, he came forward, made his eye contact n his beautiful smile. Before I could ask him, he used to ask me. For me he was also one of the most respectable person. Please accept our Pranam wherever You are.

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